As of last night I think I have lost my most precious friend of 10 years. It is quite sad really. What finally blew up last night I have felt has been in the works for quite some time but as usual I am always the one to bring the truth to the forefront. I have never really been a writer which is why my blog is generally used for things I find elsewhere that means something to me but I feel like writing this morning because my heart is feeling something it hasn't before. I have never lost a dear friend like this before and I'm finding that this kind of love is different than family or general "guy" relationship love.
My friend Aimee is a conservative and not so long ago I was right in there with her. Within the last five years I found spirituality and so much has changed in me. I see others outside of myself completely differently. I see the planet differently. Basically I see everything differently. Some would call this growing up and others would just say it's part of my path or mission that I chose coming to this life.
For the last five years, she has said things underlying towards me hinting how I should come back to Texas and that It's where I belong. She talks about me being a native and that "you can take the girl out of Texas, but you can't take Texas out of the girl." You see, we were VERY close. A lot of women are surface friends, hi/bye friends and then once in a great while and sometimes once in a lifetime you find a friend that is like a soul mate, the inner realm of yourself almost. This is Aimee. I have a younger sister but having grown up separately, we did not have that sister bond. We are attempting to make up for that now but Aimee more or less has been this "sister" figure in some of the most difficult times in my life.
Throughout this election period I finally decided to voice my opinion and beliefs on all of it. In the last two elections I was in West Texas where it was unheard of to be a democrat or to even attempt to think outside of the box. My family is in the cotton industry and is also drilling for oil on our land right now as I type this. The First Baptist Church is what I was raised in wearing my pretty little dresses, acting the part and fitting in to whatever groups were the most elite. When I was old enough to vote it was expected to vote Republican which was for the first election of George W. Bush. I was in a place where I was blindly going through life and doing what was expected of me so I voted for him. When the election came up again for him I did the same thing again. I was not being Amber in it's truest form nor did I really know who that was anyway.
During this particular election I started educating myself on politics, the democratic party, issues, etc. I have been combining all of the spiritual principles I have been learning with the issues being brought up during this whole process. I am beginning to find my voice. I knew that once I started voicing my stance on everything my friend Aimee was going to jump on that and start attacking. I was hopeful; however, that she would do this from a place of respect but this is not what has happened. I received a very long email from her a few days ago about socialism and Obama's plan. She wrote it basically talking to me like I was less intelligent then she was even to where she was giving me the definition of socialism thinking that I'm an absolute idiot. This is probably because, while in Texas I never argued or bucked her stance on anything. She gave me facts and figures and a bunch of the same political "talk" that you hear on Fox News. I decided to write her back in response of that in a completely different way than she ever could expect. I've decided to close with that response since it really just says everything that I am in the inner core of "me." As I expected, everything was taken personally when this was read leading to my first sentence on quite possibly losing my closest friend. It had become time to finally use my voice and say what it is that I am hoping that I could trust in my dearest friend to accept and respect. Unfortunately, my expectations were blown out of the water. Now, I can only accept that she is in her own level of consciousness, not able to truly see the higher level that I have achieved in my life. Maybe one day she will reach to that and fully understand.
In response to Aimee's highly political email:
"Well you definitely wrote a lot to which I can say I probably will not match that but who knows. I feel that I need not respond in a debate like fashion on all of the "technical" issues of politics but respond to try to truly tell you who your best friend really is now because I don't think that anyone from my past in Texas really knows that anymore. One thing I can say in response to my voting for Bush in Texas and just me in general in comparison of the two (being TX and CO) is that I have found "me" here. It's really hard to explain to you or anyone else from that previous life that I had who I really and truly am. Now that I am here and have been since '03, I see the entire picture now. When you're right in the middle of something you can't always see clearly what your life is truly about. My mom and Savanna both have said that I am a completely different person especially within this last year. My mom has always known it but has truly seen me "come out" if you will over this last year. My mom told me that not too long ago my sister said to her "ya know, Amber is really different now." In most of my life I'm assertive and outspoken on just about anything. Who I am and what I am made up of has been something that I have kept to myself in fear that I will lose the people I care about the most in not "fitting in" to those groups be it family, friends, work, etc. When I was in Texas, I was a product of my environment and nothing else. I was not Amber. I was Dad, Sky's dad, You, and anyone else that was a huge part of my life. It's like that movie "Runaway Bride" where she finally realizes what kind of eggs she liked. This is not to say that I don't have parts of me that have been built by each of you. I have positive things that I learned from my dad like independence, drive, assertiveness and the ability to survive. Sky's dad contributed to showing me what I don't want and that I am more powerful that I ever thought. He showed me what pain really is and how hard the true act of forgiveness can be. You showed me my heart and the deeper side of the "love" Amber, what love truely is. You showed me what true female companionship is and the absolute joys that can bring. Now Colorado: that move gave me freedom. I think back and realize I was like a homosexual living in a place where I had to pretend I was straight. I have started to "come out" if you will. I remember the Amber that used to criticise people for who they were, "white trash" "hoodrat" and every other negative thing that came to mind. That is still there and it comes out from time to time but I'm aware of it now. Never did I realize until now that those words and thoughts were a reflection of me. I had no idea who I was so I became dad, Sky's dad and you. I judged others on being who they were because they were being themselves. I had no identity or place of my own. I have also realized that if I want the things that I truly want, especially in finding my other half, I have to be ME exactly for what I am 100%. I attracted Sky's dad because all I had ever known was drama and pain; therefore, lets keep doing that since I'm comfortable with that. I attract unavailable men because that is what I have been: unavailable emotionally. So, now I have a different outlook on things. I am pro-choice, I am for gay rights, I am no longer a christian, I am no longer a republican, I am pro-environment, I am for all people. I believe in spreading wealth around. Now I know you're probably falling out of your chair but I see a bigger picture. Who am I to sit here and think that I'm the shit because I work my ass off and I'm the type of person that gets shit done. Is is possible that maybe, just maybe there are people out there that don't possess these great qualities? Yes, there is a certain part of the population that are deadbeats but there are also parts that do not possess what I do. They struggle for whatever reasons be it lack of education, ignorance, abuse, health issues etc...etc... Are they just supposed to die? Kill or be killed mentality? The person I am now is willing to pay higher taxes if it is to help others. No longer am I that person that says "fuck that...those assholes are taking all of my tax dollars!" Who are these "assholes" really?" Do we truly know? Do we truly know when giving money to a relief fund in Africa that it's actually going there? It is the continuous circle that everyone seems to miss. Abundance. Give because you want to without conditions. Everyone is living in fear of EVERYTHING! "Someone is trying to screw me!" If you were to take that out of the equation and look at it without conditions, you are at peace. That is the main purpose of being on this planet. Love, kindness, forgiveness, peace. This is what I hear when Obama speaks. I have not once felt any of those feelings when listening to McCain. I hear negativity, anger, attack. This is not how I choose to live my life and it is not me any longer. Everything has been the same in this country until now. It is taking a turn from what it always has been. Of course people are going to freak out. No one likes change or a disruption of what always has been. If I was not a strong, intelligent person I would still be with Sky's dad. I'm used to drama and pain so why not just stay there were it's "safe." Why not just stay in the same ol' ideas and philosophies of running the United States? It's what we've always known. But, coming out and speaking of radical ideas and changing everything as we've ever known it? Fuck that! What if all of these radical and unheard of ideas and changes are actually for the better? Do we know the answer to that? No, we don't, we can hope. But do we know the answer to what we've been doing and whether it's working or not? Yes...and the answer is no it's not. The answer is we have to try something different, something that has never been done before, something that feels like it's right. If it doesn't work, try something else.
We are in a world that is absolutely nothing like it ever has been before. We have a country full of "aliens" considering NONE of us are actually true Americans. Yes, I was born here but where did I come from? On a little boat from Europe. Who are these people coming here now and why are they coming here? Could it be for the exact same reason that my family and everyone else's families did? Freedom. Who are we to deny that freedom to them? Did we go through six million lines waiting for paperwork after paperwork, documents, stamps etc? No, we walked off of a boat and said "ok, this is mine!" It's a process of evolution. What we did coming here is coming right back in a circle. This goes back to helping others that cannot do for themselves what I can. Having a sense of humanity is not just defined as American.
Again, this country has changed astronomically since it was founded. We are now recognizing and accepting that there are all faiths here, gays, powerful women, people of color etc...It is in it's infancy still but we are starting to be able to be truly free no matter what and who we are. I am starting to be able to be truly free. There are still people that are trying to knock me down to keep me grounded thinking that I belong back in Texas and that I'm just lost right now or I'm being brainwashed. That is a response built from fear. Fear that Amber is going to fall, go to hell, freak out, fail. I am not failing, freaking out, going to hell or falling into anything bad or negative. I am quite the opposite. I am happy now."
