I copied and pasted this short piece by my fourteen year old son writing about the "Best Talking Reward" for his Language Arts. My friend suggested that he send it to Reader's Digest, but, it was too long. I decided to share it [a middle schooler's errors and all, unabridged] with all my beautiful JasonNetworkers. I'm certain your funny bone will experience a deep tickling.
&nb sp; &nb sp; BEST TALKING AWARD
&nb sp; "Best Talking Award", hmmm, this is not too difficult to determine. My mother, yes, definitely my mom. My mom is what some people call "passionate" and, this passion brings words out of her mouth that never cease to amaze, or irritate me! Pick a subject, and my mom will have something relevant to add or say; words that a twentieth century person have never heard of or used! I think it is because of her step- grandfather who adopted her when her mother died. Apparently, this Scotsman had two master degrees from Oxford , one in English, one in Math, and he was required to learn Latin and Greek. Well, I think you get the picture and she was living with him, listening to all these strange expressions pouring out of his mouth. "Amor vincit omnia" , "I beg to differ with you" , who talks like this? Wouldn't is be easier just to say "love conquers all" and "I don't agree"?
&nb sp; I realize that being a teen-ager, I have zero tolerance for my single mom parent who has these astonishing, awesome, outstanding, wonderful, conversations with other members of the family and sometimes even people that are strangers! Here I am, a teen-ager anxiously awaiting to talk to my friends. I wait, wait, wait, passing the time communicating with my friemds via the modern marvel of the internet, but, what I need to hear, is a voice, yes, the voice of my friend, talking about, well, that is private.
&nb sp; Do you think this fountain of words cease when my mom and I watch a movie? No, my mom is that individual that openly, unashamed of the rawness of her emotions, will weep copious tears while watching the animated version of "The Hunchback of Notre Dame"! As my mom read Hugo's masterpiece, she begins to carefully reveal all the inconsistencies of Disney's retelling of this tragic story. With other unfamilar movies, my mother will analyze all the characters and to make matters even worse, my mom,
figures out the movie five minutes after it has begun! I am sitting there just wanting to watch the movie and enjoy it.
&nb sp; My mom loves one liners. "Lonliness is the hunter that never misses its mark" or "a spirit of burning in every moment" or "love is friendship on fire", whoa, mom, you are talking to....who?! My mother is always attempting to open up the lines of communication with her unwilling fourteen year old son. Doesn't she understand that I don't understand half of what she says? I recognize that I am grumpy and tired from playing football or skateboarding, needing to eat ten Bandido burritos to enable me to at least pretend to listen to my mom's psychobabble. The wierd thing is some of my friends, actually like my mom!
&nb sp; At times, my mom will decide, after tedious research and contemplation, to discard a well-known and used word, such as, "hello". What is wrong with this expression of greeting a friend or stranger? Well, and I hope you are sitting down for this, my mom has made the observation that most of this word spells "hell" with just an "o" added to it! So, what is her solution [?], my mother has taken another word "heaven" and created another greeting "heaveno"! I guess she figures if someone could take the
word "hell" and add an "o", she could do the same for "heaven"!
&nb sp; My mother is a great one for researching and she manages to find out things that most people don't care about. Who would want to know that an "organic kidney bean vibrates at the same frequency as a human kidney bean cell"! or "hexagonal water is better assimilated by the human cell"! or "a sleep deprived person drives worse than a drunk person! After awhile, I go into overload and shut down.
&nb sp; In a small part of fairness to my mom, she and I live alone and I think she needs to talk to me, morning, noon and night. To avoid hurting her feelings, I try to listen and reciprocate. I just feel that what she talks about is important to her, but not to me. Well, my grandfather has pointed out a very good advantage [my grandfather is a talker too!] and that is
when I am older and educated, I will have no problem talking with my mom and answering her!
&nb sp; I think all of the elements about my mother's unique manner of communication makes her a worthy nominee for the best and most talking award, and all her and my friends agree!
