We all encounter obstacles in our relationships. What we do with those obstacles often dictates whether we will use adversity as a learning opportunity or a self-defeating exercise. I propose that every setback is an opportunity for self-reflection and growth. Some people may have a boss or relative they don’t see eye to eye with. Maybe we can't communicate with our spouse no matter what we try or have difficulty figuring out why we are in conflict with a friend. The good news is that these situations are universal; everyone experiences some type of relationship problem that he or she can’t seem to resolve. We naturally have different needs and desires in relationships because we are individuals. Our challenge is to find ways to interact positively. So what's the secret to good relationships? We have found that what separates those who succeed in fixing a problem from those who stay stuck in unsatisfactory situations is planning.
In this article we will look at the basics on how to fix a relationship problem. We will show you the importance of understanding yourself and working with the other person to resolve conflict. Improving a relationship requires a combination of working on oneself and working with the other person to arrive at a conclusion you both can be happy with. Let’s start the process of fixing problems by looking at the role we play in our relationships.
Let's use the example of a mother who cannot let go of her daughter to illustrate how self worth affects a relationship. We will call this mom Jane. Jane lives through her daughter, calls her on the phone many times a day, and frequently offers unsolicited advice and always has some marvelous opinion on everything in her daughter’s life. Jane does not understand that she would be much closer to her daughter if she took some time to understand herself. Jane mistakes meddling in her daughter’s life with love but does not understand that a real relationship is about how she respects her daughter not how much she can force herself into her life.
In order to attract positive people we first have to feel good about ourselves. While this may sound obvious we often do not pay attention to how our self-image impacts our interactions with others. Think about what goes into feeling good about yourself. You have to be happy with who you are as a person, what you are doing with your life, feel comfortable with your hobbies and interests, and know who you are as a person. When you have a strong sense of self you are in tune with what makes you happy. You understand that you have worth and that people should respect you. Individuals who have a good knowledge of whom they are understand what it is that makes them feel well and lead their lives in the direction of looking for positive experiences. If you don’t know what you want you might find yourself in negative situations that continue a self-destructive cycle.
Feeling good about ourselves requires work. It requires that we be as healthy mentally and physically as possible so that we are able to accept positive relationships. Taking responsibility for our own self worth demands that we look at who we are as people and work out our own problems before we involve someone else in our lives. Understanding our own needs and problems and making ourselves as healthy as possible allows us to look at our
relationships with fresh eyes. We become ready to accept positive interactions because we feel good about ourselves. Jane would benefit greatly from understanding what drives her to meddle in her daughter’s life. Once she deals with the root cause of her behavior she can engage her daughter and work side by side to improve the relationship.
The second component to fixing a relationship is working with another person. Often, when we are in conflict with someone, we tend to forget that they might be looking for many of the same things we are. We take a stance of us versus them. We effectively cut off communication by not being open to what they have to say. These are very natural behaviors; people tend to want comfort, acceptance and understanding. We look for reassurance and safety and people that make us feel good (if we are ready to let them). When you begin the process of working on your relationship you will need to commit to working with someone else. Your agenda should take a back seat to a new plan for both of you. Your needs are important but you will also have to value the other person's desires. You will focus on understanding where the other person is coming from and learn how to listen closely. Fixing a relationship is often the product of both people learning to understand one another. The process of understanding another person is called empathy. Empathy is when you remove yourself and your judgments from the relationship and just listen to understand the other person. Once you remove yourself you might be surprised at what you learn about the other person and you might find things you both have in common.
Finally, remember that you are in control of your destiny. You will decide (with the other person) how this process proceeds. Plan carefully and find a resource that you can follow and that makes sense to you. Prepare to do things differently. The reason you are looking for help is that what you have done up to now is not working. Be open to change and to new ideas. Look at the new ideas you learn as part of what will make you stronger. Steer clear of thinking in terms of right or wrong. Except in cases of danger to life and limb, the only right or wrong you should be looking at is what works for you and your partner. Collect all the information you can. You are trying to get smarter at this point and break the negative patterns you have established. You are in the process of replacing negative behaviors with positive ones. As you begin your journey toward changing your relationships don’t lose sight of the importance of understanding yourself and the other person and always remember to follow a plan that works for you.
Take care,
Guy
I help people overcome relationship obstacles.
Tags: Improve Relationship Coach Trainer Communication Expert
