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I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERE
Origin…
For two years, I was dying inside. At 42 years of age and 165 pounds of solid muscle, my arteries and chest wall lined with disease and inflammation was killing me softly. My doctor said, "You have the worst case of heart disease I've ever seen in a woman your age." How is that for a wake up call? A real blessing.
Reflecting…
Sometimes when I look in the mirror, I think about my girlfriend Raimunda, who passed in 05 of complications with lupus three years after the diagnoses. I think of my good friend Tony, who died in the same year in a horrific car accident. I think of Audrey, who passed in her late 30's after suffering from Kidney failure. I could name so many more of my friends and other people who have passed too soon and I ask God why am I still here? Look at the quality of my life now. Yes, let's look at the quality of life.
A light…
I didn't know what to do after my surgery. I was depressed because it seemed my healing took longer than I desired. I refused the depression medication because I was taking enough pills already. The vision of stocked medicine cabinets back in the day is now my reality. I'll be honest with you, the twists and turns that take place in our lives can be devastating. However, for me, these last four years have been engaging, educational, hard and painful, yet eye opening. Mary J. Blige sings it best: It feels like joy, it feels rain, feels like sunshine, and it feels like pain; an excuse for dying, a reason to live, if you don’t know, that's what love is. Let me explain.
The truth…
I am supposed to be here. I am still here because I needed to learn something about myself that I didn’t recognize before. And of all things to miss: I did not love myself. Yes, I said it. I did not love myself the way I love myself today. I believed what others taught to me to believe about myself. With no evidence to show my so call truth was law, I imitated everyone else's operation. That life however, WAS NOT for ME. We cannot operate authentically on someone else's journey. Their journey is not your journey. And if you think fronting, laughing, and standing in an adversarial stance is hiding your pain, think again.
Today, love stands tall before me without flinching. She won't move out of the way when I try to go around her, she won't let me pass, jump over her or get in my own way. Love commands that I stand and acknowledge her presence NOW. Guess what? Now is all I have. It’s all we have.
The purpose…
You may wonder what my purpose for sharing this message is. It’s LOVE. I am constantly discovering more about myself. MY HEART is full and thumping strong in the right direction. Now, I seek significance not satisfaction. No wonder others couldn't see the essence of me. How could they if I didn't see it myself.
So, I’m curious, do you really love yourself? How do you know? Where is the evidence? -What can you learn about yourself from my story?
Life has taught me that what goes up must come down. And what's down and out can rise up and above again.
I enjoy living, learning, and loving. The more I learn and love about myself, transfers to the way I relate to you.
Love doesn't just sit there, like a stone; it had to be made, like bread, remade all the time, made new. Ursula Le Guin
Kimyon,
THE DIAMOND COACH
adiamondcoach@gmail.com
www.1diamondcoaching.com
http://www.selfgrowth.com/kimyon_zari.html
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drips of love on ya.lol!!!
